101st Indy 500 Preview: Second Thoughts Edition

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Photo from indycar.com

As race day approaches a number of issues become secondary, while others rise to primary importance.

The two days of qualifying were, as f-ing F1’s Alonso says, intense. Sebastien Bourdais was putting up the month’s fastest laps on Saturday when he crashed horribly in turn 2, ending his day and season with a broken pelvis and hip. Post surgery, Dale Coyne‘s pilot Tweeted thanks for the support and that he’ll “be back at some point.” Meantime, James Davison will drive the 18 car in the 500 and start last.

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Photo from twitter.com

Sunday’s round was less eventful as everyone managed to avoid Bourdais’ fate, if not the turn 2 wall entirely. Pushing their cars to the limit, several drivers slapped the safer barrier on the backstretch, including Takuma Sato and Charlie Kimball.

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

It was Scott Dixon‘s day, as his four lap average of 232.1 mph was the fastest qualifying speed since 1996 – when Arie Luyendyk set the record – and good enough for pole. Continue reading

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Indy Grand Prix Race Review: ‘You’re All Fired!’ Edition

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During a week of high profile terminations, we’ve a few to suggest for IndyCar after the Indy Grand Prix.

Will Power‘s job is secure after his first win of the year and the Cap’n’s third consecutive. He led three quarters of the entirely green race while Scott “runner up” Dixon took second and Ryan Hunter-Reay made an impressive surge from eighth to third. Graham Rahal again had the drive of the race though, improving fourteen spots to sixth.

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

While the traditional Indy GP first lap, first turn pileup was averted, some carnage still occurred. Marco ass-ended TK, sending two cars off course and the past expiration date Kanaan to the pits. Perhaps fearing for their jobs, race control was strangely alert, actually penalizing Andretti for avoidable contact with a drive through penalty. It ended his race and should end his largely fruitless decade plus stint in the series.

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Photo from usatoday.com

Speaking of firings, the ABC crew of Goodyear, Cheever and the other guy acted exactly like they’d just been shown the door. At one point, Eddie was briefly on fire. After offering Goodyear an opportunity to clean his Borg-Warner replica, Cheever predicted “Ryan Hunter-Reay will get to the front.” He proved prescient.

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Photo from espnmediazone.com

While there wasn’t a battle at the front all afternoon, there was some passing on track Continue reading

Indy Grand Prix Predictions and Prognostications: Sympathetic Edition

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Photo from indycar.com

Sometimes sympathy is an appropriate response – when it can be convincingly summoned.

A certain uneasy feeling shot through IndyCar teams this week faster than Ganassi flees a bar tab. Those paradoxical Penskes provoke paranoia in the paddock – with good reason – as it’s presumed they’ll probably prevail once the pageantry’s concluded. So should fans expect yet another pitiable GP weekend they’ve seen before, one which merely adds to Roger’s riches?

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Our special prediction is yes, the Cap’n’s embarrassment of wealth will grow even more mortifying this month. Penske practically owns the joint, with sixteen Indy 500 triumphs dating back to the early 1970s. Plus, Pagenaud excels on the ramshackle road course, winning two thirds of the time. If you’re a fan of Team Penske, get ready for a fun few weeks – just have sympathy for the rest of us.

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Image from youtube.com

Pole position will be no different, as both Helio and Power have been superior in qualifying. Penske’s pilots have won ’em all so far this season, taking a decidedly unfeeling approach to the rest of the field. Continue reading

Indy Grand Prix Preview: Pagenaud, the Destroyer

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Photo from usatoday.com

Pags and the Penskes have been destroying it lately, eliciting widespread fear – and worse.

“Paranoia, the Destroyer” as the Kinks artfully put it runs rampant throughout IndyCar. Specifically, Penske paranoia – a creeping, deep seeded fear that Pagenaud the Destroyer and crew will win every remaining blasted race.

You blow it all with paranoia.

You’re so insecure, you self destroyer.

Pagenaud has won a lot lately, so much so that we’re getting tired of his winning. He won the previous race either way you look at it – both at Phoenix and last season’s Indy GP. It’s starting to become habitual for the Frenchman. His seemingly unending tear dates back over a year now, as he absolutely ran away with it at Phoenix, just like 2016’s procession around the IMS infield.

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Photo from indycar.com

Feelin’ guilty, feelin’ scared.

Hidden cameras everywhere!

It’s no wonder why the other teams are fearful of the Cap’n’s outfit. Continue reading

IMS’s Latest Dirty Trick

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Image from youtube.com

Poor decisions and IndyCar leadership have unfortunately become synonymous.

A recent announcement revealed that a midget dirt track of all things is being constructed on the hallowed grounds of Indianapolis Motor Speedway. This lunacy is to honor retiring NASCAR driver Tony Stewart. It’s a filthy, crass idea, a dirty trick and a roundly regrettable decision.

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This turn three tragedy is a retirement gift for the popular though troubled racer with ISIS links, and strikes us a smokescreen for publicity and profit from the speedway cum cash cow. All this – a brand new 3/16s of a mile track built to host exhibition events – for Smoke? Hell, living legend A.J. Foyt didn’t even get a new suite built for him and he actually won the Indy 500 – four times. He never bolted IndyCar for another series, either. Besides, Stewart hardly punches above his weight.

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Several questions arise from this troubling trend in Speedway. Are still more taxpayer dollars to be used for this travesty? How will historic IMS – and the big league racing held there – be affected? Will the fan experience be harmed by this PR stunt? Finally, what’s the point? Couldn’t they find another suitable piece of property nearby for such gimmickry?

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IMS President Doug Boles Continue reading

GP of Indy Preview: Get On With It Already

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Blame Mark Miles and his sclerotic schedule for the long hiatus, not us. Also for the latest IndyCar humiliation with Boston flat out telling the series they don’t want a race in their city. That’s the second cancellation of a race by a city under Mark Miles’ miserable reign and at this rate we’ll be down to the Indy 500 and half a dozen Detroit double headers for a schedule next year. Oh, and we can’t forget the second rate race at IMS, the GP of Indy.

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It’s a tabletop flat 2.4 mile road course with a flabbergasting fourteen turns. Both previous races on the IMS infield – which, let’s face it, was made for partying and not for an IndyCar race – featured fugly first lap pileups. What’s worse, the catastrophic carnage turned out to be the highlight of both. In 2014, Sebastien Saavedra Continue reading

Under-Reported IndyCar Rules Changes for 2016: ‘Miles of Cars’

YEEES-SIR!

Honda teams will not only benefit from certain aero kit rules changes for 2016, but also from mandatory sensitivity training and re-education. This is in order to avoid coming across as poor, ungracious winners to the few thousand fans worldwide who may bother to tune in and notice.

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Chevy teams will not be allowed to refer to “Honda,” “aero kits,” “unfair,” “fu@%in’ Aussie” or “wanker b@$tard” during any media engagements, either on television, radio or the jihad-web. This is especially so for a certain fu@%in’ Aussie wanker b@$tard’s three Penske teammates.

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Mad Russian Mikhail Aleshin’s urine, hair and blood  Continue reading

IndyCar News Week in Review: Mark Miles’ Flying Circus Edition

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UPDATE: Former N@$C@R owner and University of Missouri (!) alum Jay Frye has been hired to replace ousted Competition CEO Derrick Walker, finally. Walker’s exit was announced months ago after the exquisite race at Fontana. Frye enjoyed Red Bull backing in the ‘Clockwork Orange’ series and already had been working for IndyCar. Of course when you’ve got major problems as a series, it makes perfect sense to hire from within.

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Flying Kits And Aero Fits: Renewed testing of the gawd-awful and downright dangerous aero kits will commence at Indianapolis next April, a mere month and a half in advance of the most significant race in history. Presumably this is an attempt to minimize cars flying through the air at the Brickyard as they did last May in a scene reminiscent of IMS’ early days as a US Army Air Corps aerodrome. No one can say Mark Miles and crew don’t learn from history, though it does seem to take repeated bashing over the head with it before finally sinking in.

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To Honda According Its Needs: IndyCar recently announced Continue reading

IndyCar Schedule Instant Reaction: Missed It By A Miles (The Musical)

IndyCar’s finally set to announce its 2016 slate and boy is it a duesie. Honestly, we simply grew tired of waiting and it goes without saying the lineup is nowhere near our idea of an ideal schedule. Spread out over a month longer than last year, there’s still merely sixteen races though many of them can scarcely be called that. Hell, you get more pee-wee league soccer games in a season, and certainly more penalties in a football game. This Halloween, IndyCar’s schedule’s as scary as a trip through a Stephen King nightmare. It’s so disconcerting that the great Gyorgy Ligeti must have done the score for this terrifying beaut.

Boston?! Another unremarkable street course, this time on the massive taxpayer funded boondoggle called “the big dig.” It’s destined to be another bore, just like Baltimore. One difference is that it may not last even three years; we can only hope. For a new race IndyCar could have at least picked a city people want to visit. It’ll be another embarrassing footnote for a series that already has quite enough of those, thank you Mark Miles. Suffice it to say, we don’t ‘love that dirty water.’

Speaking of urban hell holes, Continue reading