Glossary of IndyCar Racing Terms

The modern world’s confusing and chaotic enough without new, additional jargon bombarding us and complicating our daily lives. We at IRR realized that complex terminology affects all of us in IndyCar association of states and decided to break it down, as the kids used to say. It’s yet another free service we provide for our fellow fans of fast.

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Relief of Napoleon the wise from his tomb in Paris

Our goal is to make the series we love more understandable to the average ignorant American and therefore more appealing to the entire Idiocracy-trending nation. Obviously IRR aims to please. So here’s our Glossary of IndyCar Racing Terms, with additions surely to come.

 

Aero kits – what used to be called the chassis, or body shape of the car and now are becoming changeable and disposable like an expensive pair of dress socks

BC bud – particularly potent strain of weed, or “chume” as the President calls it from the western Canadian province of British Columbia and one of the few redeeming products out of Canada

Canuck – member of the Canadian race; a derogatory slur – see Paul Tracy as a former example

Chip the Hutt – IRR’s Star Wars bar scene-inspired nickname for Chip Ganassi, head of TCGR

Claire McCaskill – anti-racing U.S. Senator “Buzzkill” and embarrassment from MO

Glossary – a list, usually alphabetized, with additional information and definitions

Helio-ism – an utterance of Helio Castro-Neves, usually grammatically incorrect and always said with a smile

IndyCar association of states – IndyCar’s sleeker, more selective alternative to the overly accepting behemoth NASCAR nation

Kent – the garden spot of England, southeast of London & home of Indy jockey Mike Conway

Kentish – describing a person from Kent, a Kentish jockey for example

Methuselah Mile – IRR’s affectionate Biblical term for Milwaukee, meaning it’s old

Mid-Ohio – predictably poor racing, adequate camping facilities

National Guard – former coveted racing sponsor/militia that spent many millions of taxpayer dollars over several years  for zero ICS wins

Newkid – IRR’s affectionate nickname for Tennessee’s own Josef Newgarden

Off-weeks – breaks in the IndyCar schedule leading to periods of intense boredom, usually due to some event at IMS such as a bike or other series race, that bring about inane posts like this

Parity – close entertaining racing resulting from the use of standardized, spec equipment (see aero kits)

Racing eggs – portable delicious deviled snacks that are a traditional compliment to racing chicken and racing beer, although the resulting flatulence they induce often act as a repellant to racing chicks

Sonoma Testing  – widespread snoring, napping

Sonoma Race – slightly less snoring, napping

Streets of Toronto – concrete car crusher that hosts IndyCar races under “crack smoking” Mayor Rob Ford’s watchful, bloodshot eyes

Tag Heuer – Hour or time of Day (in English)

Twitter – insidious form of social media that cruelly limits the number of characters one can use when trying to solicit complete strangers to read your racing blog

Will Power – certifiable, completely and madly insane Team Penske driver (who’s not surprisingly quite successful)

Zzzzzzzz – the sound emanating from race fans at tracks like Barber, Mid-Ohio & Sonoma

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Instant Reaction to National Guard News

The news that the National Guard is reportedly ending its sponsorship of teams in both IndyCar and other series comes as a tough blow to ICS. It is U.S. taxpayers’ money that’s at stake however, and last IRR checked the old girl wasn’t in the best of financial shape. It’s become certain Congressmen’s pet target, if you will. Sign of the times, perhaps. We’re still awaiting the supposed economic “recovery” here in IndyCar association of states and we’ll see how IndyCar weathers the storm, which has been in the works for some time. At least they had notice.

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Recall the unfortunate end to the Guard’s sponsorship of Panther Racing a couple of years ago, with John Barnes taking the matter to court. It was an ugly end to a largely unprofitable relationship for the taxpayers, e.g, very few if any wins including Jr. in the other series.

Plus, there’s always the question of whether race advertising fulfills its intended purpose, in this case getting youngsters and others to sign up for the National Guard. The guard dates back to the militias of the Revolutionary War and famous groups such as The Minutemen. In this present period of war and want, they are an important link in the chain of defense of the rusting hulking U.S.

But back to racing for a moment, this report raises serious questions. What a blow for the series. What about RLL next year? And Graham? His record is sketchy enough already. Will another promising young American open wheel driver be wasted?

We at IRR – home for all your racing news and laughs – certainly hope not. Graham’s a competent, classy young legacy who’s important to the series. Much like Marco, but more likeable if not successful. Bobby and even Letterman add something to the series, though we’re not quite sure about this Lanigan fellow.

Come to think of it, Letterman’s even sketchy – a has been, as it were – and if RLL can’t find sponsorship then why not dig into Letterman’s deep pockets? Too many crazy -exes we suppose . . . the non-controversy keeps comin’ at IRR.

It’s kinda funny – Leno has cars and Letterman has expenses, er-um Dallaras. Speaking of which, how ’bout that concrete car crusher they call Toronto, huh? you’d think they could spring for either all asphalt or all concrete, no? Isn’t Canada doing better than the US? In fact they are. After nearly 30 years. let’s spring for some paving ala Penske at God-awful Detroit B I, you wealthy Canadians, -ay?

And speaking of Canadians, there’s much much much much much more coming tomorrow on you nattering neighbors you. So stay tuned.

Final word on this for tonight: Clearly the German Swiss timepiece announcement on Wednesday was cover for National Guard’s withdrawal from the series. Just like clockwork, superior strategy prevails on the battlefield..

Comments are welcome and will be mildly addressed, we promise.