‘Newgarden In Love, Or: Mad Will Hunting’ – An IRR/Harvey Weinstein Production

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When worlds – and hands and genitals – collide, things get messy.

Following a disastrous string of IndyCar themed movies – unless you consider ‘Turbo’ at all watchable – our ill-advised new venture with a disastrously pervish producer can’t possibly be worse than what Hollywood currently puts out, can it?

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Image from kindafunnyforums.com

Without further adieu, here’s the world premier of a scene from the behind the scenes making of ‘Newgarden In Love,’ featuring everyone’s favorite former movie producer. It begins with us opportunistically approaching Mr. Weinstein about another possible IndyCar – Hollywood collaboration. For some strange reason, none of our female staff members were eager to participate.

EXT. ARIZONA SEX ADDICTION REHAB CENTER – NIGHT.

In the shadows Pervy Harvey nervously tugs on his shorty robe, only half-heartedly trying to avoid the paparazzi camped out nearby. We gain easy access to the posh center, knowing the staff (and many of the clientele) all too well. [Now THAT’s IRR Unchained!] We also made sure Harvey’d already showered and were careful not to meet him anywhere near his room. Fortunately never having dealt with him before, we walk up haltingly – as if encountering some great wounded beast.

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Photo from eonline.com

Pervy Harvey

What da fu*% do I know about IndyCar? Tits and ass? You betcha. Terrible movie remakes? Yes. But racing? Nah, never happen, kid. By the way, is this place ever great for gettin’ some action! And their plant pots are HUGE.

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You’d be surprised at all the T n’ A drivers get – even awful ones, like Marco. I’m sure you remember Mrs. Franchitti, don’t you? She’s been mentioned in the press lately. Besides, just leave the racing aspects to us. We’ve got you uh, covered, Harvey. Speaking of which, please pull your robe back down now.
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IndyCar Watkins Glen Race Review: ‘A Really Timely Caution’ or: T-Bell’s Faux Pas Edition

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Photo from indycar.com

Alexander Rossi owes a highly dubious second career win to his teammate and fellow Indy 500 winner Takuma “timing is everything” Sato, who committed the racing equivalent of hari kari at the Glen – twice. In NBCSN’s booth, apparently Townsend Bell was under the influence of enough meds to nearly forget his name, which makes us wonder about his urine test for the next race.

For Daffy Leigh Diffey‘s triumphant return to IndyCar there was the ridiculous wet start that wasn’t. That is to say, it wasn’t wet and it wasn’t much of a start. Thank goodness Tony Kanaan made it through the parade laps this time, though he would eventually find pit lane too difficult to navigate, hitting the wall at pit lane exit – right after the championship leader did the exact same thing.

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Photo from indycar.com

The start saw Josef Newgarden surging, Scott Dixon dropping and Helio going way wide with no track restrictions in place. After the first lap pit stops for slicks a reshuffle had Helio around Rossi for the lead and Ryan Hunter-Reay up to fourth. Spencer Pigot spun completely around on lap 4 but managed to keep it going and even lead some laps before finishing 12th.

On lap 5 Dixon got around RHR prior to the first of three cautions, as Hinchcliff’s gear box issue and a puff of smoke from his Honda ended his day. The race returned to green on lap nine and as usual Helio jumped the restart ahead of Rossi, Newgarden and Dixie. Dixon soon passed Newkid again and appeared to be on the way to another win at the Glen. However, it wasn’t to be and Helio opened up a sizable lead.

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Image from youtube.com

Then the Townsend Bell blooper reel portion of the broadcast began. Continue reading

IndyCar ABC Supply 500 Race Review: ‘Clit Stop’ Edition

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

IndyCar at Pocono pleasantly lived up to its exquisite oval racing reputation, as one of the most exciting races of the year unfolded Sunday afternoon. Will Power won his second 500 miler in a row at the thrilling triangle, impressively overcoming a lap deficit after his Penske crew were forced to change out a damaged nose. He bested his teammate Josef Newgarden by half a second, while Andretti Autosport’s Alexander Rossi overcame adversity of his own to score a podium finish.

The race featured non-stop jaw dropping action with cars going six and seven wide right from the start. An incredible forty two lead changes took place among ten different drivers, including former winner Scott Dixon who led a quarter of the race. Indy 500 winner Rossi led forty four laps, but encountered a fuel knob issue in the closing stages. Power took the lead when Marco pitted on lap 191 and never relinquished it, swerving low and high to keep the white hot Newkid at bay.

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Photo from indycar.com

There were only three cautions all day, the first of which was brought out after Coyne rookie Esteban Gutierrez brushed the wall ending his day. Continue reading

IndyCar ABC Supply 500 Predictions and Prognostications: Know Pocono

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Closely observing the last few decades of IndyCar racing has taught us much, including a) we’re already missing Mikhail Aleshin jokes and b) James “Canadian token” Hinchcliffe goes through teammates like Kim Jong Un burns through liquid oxygen. The Mayor – like the dictator – must be hard to get to know.

After weeks of summer slumbers, the series wisely roars back to life in eastern Pennsylvania. Our special prediction for Pocono is some rather unintelligent driving – and not just from the usual suspects, either. Such a salacious silly season can only bring out the worst in some drivers who, after all, will be racing for their jobs. Remember, some of these guys aren’t the brightest lights even under ideal circumstances.

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Photo from twitter.com

Due to the new red scare, we’ve been robbed of last year’s pole sitter and second place finisher. In fact,  Mikhail “not a good year to be a Russian in the US” Aleshin likely won’t be racing in the series again. We say nyet to that. Aged Helio Castro-Neves started out front the previous year – and came in sixteenth. Even Marco‘s been on pole in his home state, but in characteristic fashion finished only tenth. Part timer Juan Montoya managed the only recent win from pole at Pocono in 2014.

When you’re hot, you’re hot as the saying goes and the sagacious Continue reading

Toronto IndyCar Race Review: Yellow is the New Orange Edition

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

A perfectly timed yellow flag handed the orange DeVilbiss car a victory on the walled streets of Toronto.

Josef Newgarden happened to be pitting when Tony “Time To Call It Quits” Kanaan committed his latest brain fade and careened into the Turn 1 tire barrier. As a result, Newgarden ran away with it for his second win out of the last three times north of the border.

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Photo from indycar.com

Scott Dixon was rudely hit by “Sour Grapes” Will Power – twice – during a first lap melee bringing out the first of only two cautions on the day. Power limped around the course failing to make it to his pit and would be a surprise first out. Dixon soldiered to a tenth place finish and as usual no infraction was called on the Penske pilot.

In front of all the banging, Helio grabbed the lead from Simon Pagenaud in a ballsy inside move at the start and TK managed to gain five spots, but it was Josef Newgarden’s jump of three positions to fourth that ultimately made all the difference. He’d soon find himself out front and, due to both timing and luck, in possession of another street course victory.

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Photo from indycar.com

The restart saw Indy 500 winners and Andretti Autosport teammates Alexander Rossi and Takuma Sato make contact, as Rossi battled nearly everyone on his way to second. Continue reading

Iowa IndyCar Predictions and Prognostications: Marion Morrison Edition

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Photo from starpulse.com

Get ready for some fast paced, action packed oval track racin’ Sunday, Pilgrim. IndyCar visits the birthplace of Marion Morrison, a.k.a. John Wayne this weekend, so expect a satisfying shootout of a race and one helluva good show.

We’re burnin’ daylight, so let’s get straight to it. Our special prediction is that the good guys at Iowa Speedway will be winners after another stellar show at the tiny track. We think local boy Wayne would have approved of the passing and high speed action mere miles from his former home.

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Born in nearby Winterset, Iowa, the Duke’s former stompin’ grounds overlap with Andretti Autosport‘s, a team that’s won 70% of the races held there. Ryan Hunter-Reay’s won three times – hell every Andretti driver has, even Marco – although this weekend’s script will be different.

Our pick for pole sitter is young gunslinger Josef Newgarden. It’ll be just his second ever pole after he started second at Iowa and won last year. A southerner and Team Penske member, Newkid’s definitely an outsider on the high plains and the field will be targeting his back all afternoon.

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First out’s gotta be Tony “time to call it quits” Kanaan. Continue reading

What’s Michael Andretti Thinking This Time? Or: Michael’s Motor Mix Up Madness

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Photo from twitter.com

The mercurial motorsports owner’s the subject of still more baffling rumors – yet again.

Victorious team principle in the last two Indianapolis 500s and three of the last four – all with Honda – Michael Andretti is supposedly considering an engine manufacturer change. Bizarre, but that’s just like our Michael. The scion of the famous Andretti clan – and apparently the last real IndyCar driver the family will produce – has had a lot on his plate, starting with Marco’s flailing, failed decade in the sport.

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Photo from flickr.com

Publicly, the colorful owner comes off as a real hoot and this latest flirtation’s in keeping with his unpredictable nature. Continue reading

Road America IndyCar Race Review: Dixon’s Cheese Edition

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Photo from indycar.com

Surprisingly an engaging battle broke out Sunday in Wisconsin, although the eventual cheese taker was never in doubt. No runaway like last year, the Kohler Grand Prix managed to keep fans’ interest fully engaged from beginning to end – a remarkable accomplishment for the wine and cheese crowd on a road course.

One after another of Penske’s four horsemen faltered, paving the way for Scott Dixon’s 41st career win. He’s now a mere win away from third on the all time list. The half second victory was the Ganassi ace’s first since September and also his first at Elkhart Lake. Once the confetti had settled, the Cap’n’s crew were highly cheesed.

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Photo from indycar.com

Action occurred right from the start at the series’ longest track, as passing aplenty played out. Owning the first two rows, Team Penske seemed set to figure largely in the outcome. Josef Newgarden who started third fought his way to the lead by lap 13, getting around Will Power and pole sitter Helio Castro-Neves. But with the Cap’n away the Penskes did stray, and for Tim Cindric it turned into a long day.

The first caution was brought out by Indy 500 winner Takuma Sato, who left the course and came sliding to an abrupt halt. Continue reading

Road America IndyCar Predictions and Prognostications: A Midsommer Night’s Meme

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Fully embracing the “to hell with the racing, it’s a summer celebration!” attitude of many casual fans toward road courses, a topsy-turvy Shakespearean comedy serves as our predictive guide to IndyCar’s trial in the deep, dark woods.

The special prediction for the Kohler Grand Prix is that a good time will be had by all, provided you begin drinking heavily – and early – on race day morning. The racing may be dull as dishwater, but nevertheless it’s a midsommer party. Under a Puckian influence, the first thing we’ll fall in love with upon waking is a cold beer.

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Photo from indycar.com

Situated in a forest southeast of Athens much like the play, this trying ordeal in the woods will bring many surprises, though pole winner won’t be one of them. Continue reading

101st Indy 500 Predictions and Prognostications: An American Tradition

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The Indianapolis 500 is an American tradition like no other. Now into its second century, the 500 remains one of America’s great contributions to the world, as millions of Spaniards are about to discover thanks to Fernando Alonso.

Our special prediction for the Greatest Spectacle in Racing concerns the show itself, the racing. Expect highly exhilarating, edge of your seat, 230 mph ecstasy on the ancient oval Sunday – the way all racing should be. Of course that’s assuming the weather cooperates. Pay particular attention to the truly unique start, with eleven glittering, growling rows of three cars. It’s among the very best moments in all of sport.

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Photo from indycar.com

First lap leader will come from the outside of row 1 and he’s led before, even recently. It’s 100th Indy 500 winner Alexander Rossi. The American prevailed on strategy and fumes last year, was impressive in qualifications last weekend and is still young and inexperienced enough to go for it early. Prepare for a vocal crowd reaction when he shoots into the lead.

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

The mid-race leader prediction sees the introduction of a villain into the story, a real heavy Continue reading