IndyCar Driver Test: Helio Castro Neves


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Veteran racer HCN hails from Sao Paulo, Brazil, the nation that greatly contributed to the visual pleasure of men everywhere with both thong bikinis and the necessary follow up bikini wax. Helio was born appropriately enough in the month of May in 1975, obviously making him a senior statesman of the series. In Helio’s recently adopted home country the U.S.that year there were two attempts on President Ford’s life within a three week period (and you thought the current Secret Service had problems) as well as the debuts of “Jaws” and “Rocky Horror” in cinemas. This last is especially fitting, as Helio’s an exceptionally funny guy who’s got er, um, rhythmic moves.


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In a seventeen year driving career (“Let’s do the time warp again!”) Helio’s amassed an outstanding record especially at the Indianapolis 500, where he’s recorded three wins and remains a man eating threat to win more. Every May Foyt, Unser and Mears hear that menacing music whenever Helio arrives at the Speedway: duh-duh, duh-duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh . . .


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The Tim Curry of racing has led thousands of laps, won twenty nine races between CART and IndyCar and owns eighty some top fives and literally hundreds of top ten finishes. The word is consistency and it’s put him flagrantly on the list of best of all time. Remarkably, Helio’s kicked up his heels and won at least one race every season except 2011 in the last fifteen years.


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He’s also earned tens of millions of dollars in his storied career, which didn’t escape the notice of the intrusive, abusive IRS several years back – just like Roy Scheider who Helio rather resembles. With Team Penske fielding four fast cars in 2015, the other three driven by teammates Pags, Power & JPM, the shark-like HCN had better step up his game else despite his past success he could become IndyCar chum.


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The Brazilian does splendidly well with media, who openly adore him. For once, who can blame them? His Helio-isms are a nice touch, too and among our favorites are “Man, that sucked!” “Come on guys, it’s pronounced EH-leo,” and “Just a li’l bit loose out dare, ha ha ha.” Ebullient, handsome and likeable, apparently he even dances well according to reports. If true, then that’s seventies Susan Sarandon hot!


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One of our favorites on the grid, HCN passes the Driver Test with flying – mainly white, yellow and orange – colors. He’s simply . . . absolutely fabulous is what he is, though distressingly not everything’s as sunny as the beaches in Rio. Other Great Whites lurk just off shore, hungrily, stealthily. In the future, Helio will do well to triumph over the tempestuous Transylvanian transvestites on his own truly talented top tier team.


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