IndyCar GP Predictions and Prognostications: ‘Worthless and Weak!’

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When pondering the eternal question of what to do with one’s life, the answer probably isn’t spending two hours of your Saturday watching ABC’s coverage of IndyCars racing ‘round IMS’ infield at interstate speeds. Happily, and thanks to our wildly successful prognostications, now you won’t have to. Our sensible suggestion: have a toga party, instead!

IRR’s special prediction for this so-called race, which we made our thoughts relatively clear on with “Preview: F-ing F-1’s F-ing F-up,” is tedium times ten. Put another way the grand prix is, as Neidermeyer so memorably said, “worthless and weak!” Since its inception in 2014 when Pags finished first for Schmidt Peterson, Team Penske’s won every GP, usually going away. Both Pags and Power now have triumphed twice, making the event interesting only if you’re a Cap’n’s sycophant type of fan. In which case, of course, you too are worthless and weak.

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Our pick for pole is obviously Penske, for in addition to the above appalling stat – merely the latest in a long line of ‘em – the team’s swept the last three. The only exception came during that laughable inaugural Indy GP, featuring SeSaav’s infamous standing start stall on pole for the now defunct KV Racing. Pags won from P4 in that embarrassment, but since then Power’s won from pole twice including last year, while Pags again triumphed from P1 in 2016 for Penske. Sounds like a compelling afternoon of racing, doesn’t it?

In a truly lesser of two evils choice – and until other teams get their asses in gear – we’ve got to go with Continue reading

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IndyCar IndyCar Grand Prix Preview: F-ing F-1’s F-ing F-Up

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Photo from stock.adobe.com

The cash cow that is the IndyCar GP originated with one of Tony George’s more hair-brained schemes, which feels kinda like invoking one of John Wayne Gacy’s nastier nights.

During the darkest days of the split, George and Formula 1 Boss Billionaire Bernie Ecclestone appropriately pioneered running ass-backward through the Brickyard’s infield in 2000. This f-ing terrific idea lasted exactly eight races – and that’s if you count 2005 when, due to a Michelin tire fiasco, only six cars bothered to race. Michael Schumacher won it five times and would have won a sixth had he not let his teammate Rubens Barrichello triumph in 2002. Sounds like a worthy addition to the world’s greatest racetrack, doesn’t it?

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Photo from maxf1.net

During its thankfully brief life, the U.S. Grand Prix played in front of fractionally full “crowds” in the grandstands at the cost of tens of millions of dollars in demolition and new construction at the nearly century old facility. The infield was completely reconfigured for the grand prix, negatively affecting stands, viewing mounds and sight lines for fans of the historic Indy 500. That’s not to mention George’s even stupider idea of bringing NASCAR to the hallowed grounds of IMS, but that’s for another article.

Fast forward seven years to 2014 when the Indy GP assumed the former f-ing F-1 race, but only after more alterations to the Speedway. For IndyCar, it’s a non-entity of an event with a non-title, holding absolutely no entertainment value. Come to think of it, it’s a lot like the old F-1 race in many respects. There should be more than six cars rolling off on Saturday, at least.  Continue reading

St. Pete Predictions and Prognostications: Kinks Edition

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Florida’s experiencing not a British invasion this weekend, but rather an IndyCar one. Tired of waiting? Us too. At long last, it’s time for sexy cars and rock ‘n roll – all day, and all of the night. Warning: some may consider our peerless prognostications – kinda like The Kinks – to be slightly deviant.

The series hits a high note with the start of a brand new tour Sunday. It’s at one of the kinkiest courses on the schedule and in a spring break hot spot, with all the accompanying decadence you’d expect. Speaking of kinky, there’s little straight about the circuit at St. Pete, though there is plenty of narrow. Despite the trashy track, when the new chariots’ engines finally do fire, it’ll be music to our ears. So on this sunny afternoon we offer up some of our ever popular power chord predictions.

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Photo from autosport.com

Our special prognostications for the race involve the new cars and plethora of untested drivers. Due to the virginal inexperience of over a quarter of the field, expect a first lap pileup that’ll make the inelegant Indy GP look tame by comparison. Needless to say, this’ll prove to be a destroyer for the hopes of several. And don’t be surprised when crews are forced to work out various kinks in the unproven equipment. There’ll be no L-O-L-A Lolas on the grid – or any other chassis – only updated Dallaras.

For pole we’re going with experience, a turned on team with proven performance. In keeping with our overall theme, Continue reading

2017 IndyCar Season Review

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The series’ recently concluded campaign proved predictable – at least to us – and lacked both a sense of rhythm and any real rivalries. While having its moments, overall 2017 missed out on the excitement and drama of previous years.

This season’s highlights included breathtaking oval racing at Pocono and – to a lesser extent, thank you Tony Kanaan – Texas. Even the racing at Gateway was much improved over the last time they visited a decade ago and an additional oval on the schedule – no matter how inadequate its layout – is welcome change.

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Photo from twitter.com

Lowlights involved beyond tedious racing at the usual suspects like Mid-Ohio, Watkins Glen and the season finale at Sonoma. Even St. Pete was a stinker this year and as usual the Indy Grand Prix was nearly unwatchable. Iowa‘s daytime race – as opposed to the superior night races of years past – earned the biggest flop award, with Phoenix a close second in the balloting. Iowa Speedway already announced a Sunday date in early July, meaning it’ll be another day race next year.

Easily the most absurd moment of the year was f-ing F1 invader Fernando Alonso being gifted the Indy 500 Rookie of the Year award over Ed Jones, or “The Great Hardware Robbery,” as we termed it. This was closely followed by Alo’s team owner Michael Andretti’s brief flirtation with Chevy after winning the last two 500s with Honda and Sam Schmidt beginning to mimic Andretti’s dumb Indy 500 decisions.

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Photo from indycar.com

The most shocking moment by far Continue reading

Indy Grand Prix Preview: Pagenaud, the Destroyer

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Photo from usatoday.com

Pags and the Penskes have been destroying it lately, eliciting widespread fear – and worse.

“Paranoia, the Destroyer” as the Kinks artfully put it runs rampant throughout IndyCar. Specifically, Penske paranoia – a creeping, deep seeded fear that Pagenaud the Destroyer and crew will win every remaining blasted race.

You blow it all with paranoia.

You’re so insecure, you self destroyer.

Pagenaud has won a lot lately, so much so that we’re getting tired of his winning. He won the previous race either way you look at it – both at Phoenix and last season’s Indy GP. It’s starting to become habitual for the Frenchman. His seemingly unending tear dates back over a year now, as he absolutely ran away with it at Phoenix, just like 2016’s procession around the IMS infield.

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Photo from indycar.com

Feelin’ guilty, feelin’ scared.

Hidden cameras everywhere!

It’s no wonder why the other teams are fearful of the Cap’n’s outfit. Continue reading