‘Newgarden In Love, Or: Mad Will Hunting’ – An IRR/Harvey Weinstein Production

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When worlds – and hands and genitals – collide, things get messy.

Following a disastrous string of IndyCar themed movies – unless you consider ‘Turbo’ at all watchable – our ill-advised new venture with a disastrously pervish producer can’t possibly be worse than what Hollywood currently puts out, can it?

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Image from kindafunnyforums.com

Without further adieu, here’s the world premier of a scene from the behind the scenes making of ‘Newgarden In Love,’ featuring everyone’s favorite former movie producer. It begins with us opportunistically approaching Mr. Weinstein about another possible IndyCar – Hollywood collaboration. For some strange reason, none of our female staff members were eager to participate.

EXT. ARIZONA SEX ADDICTION REHAB CENTER – NIGHT.

In the shadows Pervy Harvey nervously tugs on his shorty robe, only half-heartedly trying to avoid the paparazzi camped out nearby. We gain easy access to the posh center, knowing the staff (and many of the clientele) all too well. [Now THAT’s IRR Unchained!] We also made sure Harvey’d already showered and were careful not to meet him anywhere near his room. Fortunately never having dealt with him before, we walk up haltingly – as if encountering some great wounded beast.

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Photo from eonline.com

Pervy Harvey

What da fu*% do I know about IndyCar? Tits and ass? You betcha. Terrible movie remakes? Yes. But racing? Nah, never happen, kid. By the way, is this place ever great for gettin’ some action! And their plant pots are HUGE.

IRR

You’d be surprised at all the T n’ A drivers get – even awful ones, like Marco. I’m sure you remember Mrs. Franchitti, don’t you? She’s been mentioned in the press lately. Besides, just leave the racing aspects to us. We’ve got you uh, covered, Harvey. Speaking of which, please pull your robe back down now.
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Sixteen Takeaways from the 2016 IndyCar Season

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Quite coincidentally, as A.J. Foyt might say on a lucid day, there are exactly sixteen items of note from the racing during the past six months. Next year, seventeen’ll be a real stretch.

In keeping with our sixteen predictions for 2016 theme, the obligatory season-wrapping follow-up’s a veritable “no brainer” as the kids used to say. As obvious as signing . . .

Josef Newgarden, Who Is Awesome: After winning Iowa and driving brilliantly again all year, Newkid’s highly sought after. According to some trigger-happy know nothing speculators, he’s already doing a Penske seat fitting in Montoya’s former car. We had “What’s Wrong With” Juan’s ouster a while ago as it’s overdue, but aren’t buying the Newgarden to the Cap’n rumors just yet.

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Photo from twitter.com

Dixon’s Decline: In a well publicized piece, IRR exposed the dreadful season and finale Dixie endured along with his helmet. He’ll have at least one new teammate next year as well as a new sponsor. It’ll be interesting to see how the 2015 champ bounces back.

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Ganassi Target-less & Driver-less: Who’ll fill Kanaan’s seat remains to be seen, as well. For the aging TK we suggest a nice, cushy Dario-like coaching gig rather than another embarrassing year of racing.  Continue reading

Iowa Predictions And Prognostications: Predictable Edition

We hate to admit it about one of our favorite tracks, but Iowa’s grown predictable in IndyCar’s ass pods era. The racing’s still as exciting as all get out, but one team’s dull dominance is indisputable.

Jul 18, 2015; Newton, IA, USA; IndyCar Series driver Ryan Hunter-Reay (28) reacts after winning the Iowa Corn 300 at Iowa Speedway. Mandatory Credit: Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports ORG XMIT: USATSI-230374 ORIG FILE ID:  20150718_lbm_ad1_319.JPG

Photo from sports.usatoday.com

Iowa Speedway turning ten this year is surreal, as it seems like only yesterday the shiny, new oval was fortuitously added to the schedule. Its awe inspiring oval track racing is spectacular to behold. Thank you, Tony George. With absolutely no transition needed, predicting controversy at an IndyCar race in summertime is like shooting fish in a barrel. Our special prediction for the race is tempers flaring and gestures flying. Anyone can see it coming 7/8s of a mile away.

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Photo from usatoday.com

It was only a year ago when George’s step son, Ed “never finishes” Carpenter, showily stomped into Sage Karam‘s pit after taking exception to his driving – and to being out driven. Fingers waved and tongues wagged, but no punches were thrown – it’s IndyCar not NASCAR, after all. Continue reading

Iowa Corn 300 Preview: AA’s Stompin’ Grounds

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Host of one of IndyCar’s most riveting races, Iowa Speedway has seen Andretti Autosport stomp the competition. Nevertheless, a return of the fast cars to an exhilarating short oval is a welcome event. It makes us want to jump with joy.

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Photo from iowaspeedway.com

Anticipate three wide oval-tastic fun on the 7/8s mile circuit with speeds exceeding a hundred and eighty miles per hour and plenty of passing. By comparison, NASCAR‘s junior league pole speed this year was in the hundred thirty range. Yawn. Speaking of NASCAR, the SAFER barrier’s certain to get a workout this weekend with Dallara Automobili making back some serious dough. Stomped upon stockholders demand it after an almost perfectly clean (and really boring) race at Road America.

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Photo from desmoinesregister.com

A quick, banked bull ring, Iowa Speedway’s one of the best tracks the series visits. The racing is routinely superior, Continue reading

Josef Newgarden Won’t Be Racing Anytime Soon

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Photo from ap.com

The rising American IndyCar star who suffered multiple broken bones in a recent frightening accident at Texas hasn’t somehow discovered a magic healing elixir. It’s flatly irresponsible to suggest he’ll be racing this weekend, or for that matter anytime soon. Sorry to be a buzzkill, but reality is reality.

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Photo from indycar.com

Broken clavicles and hands – both of which are fairly important when wheeling around chariots of speed without benefit of power steering – obviously take time to heal. More time than a week and a half. The mere suggestion by some in the press and, what’s worse, from his team owner Ed Carpenter that he could race this weekend at Road America is lunatic fringe stuff.

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Photo from telegraph.co.uk

The fact that his name appears on the Kohler Grand Prix entrant list is just absurd – something we know all about. But it’s worse than that. It’s also deceptive.  Continue reading

Grand Prix of Long Beach Race Review: Half Right Edition

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Photo from indycar.com

IndyCar got it half right at the Beach Sunday. That is to say, they almost put on an entertaining show. Well, at least they held a race – sort of.

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Photo from criticsden.com

“Am I right or am I right or am I right?!”

Before the race, Scott Dixon predicted “an exciting first few laps.” As someone uttered during the broadcast and like almost everyone on Sunday, he too was half right. There were of course a first few laps, followed by the uneventful rest. After a train wreck of a qualification session, in some ways it’s a wonder they managed to pull off a race at all. Even the race winner was left wanting, as the Ned Ryerson of the series Simon Pagenaud had to actively seek out people in victory lane who’d let him spray ’em with champagne.

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

The half left, half right race left much to be desired. What else can we write? It was boring. It was predictable. It was a “fuel mileage” race. It was won by a Frenchman. It was still another win for Penske. It was Long Beach.

Incredibly, there were no wrecks, no cautions, no hairpin pileups, no retirements and no mechanicals. Due to precious little passing there also was virtually no entertainment. That’s not to say the grand prix was controversy free, though.

The “carpet pissers” in race control were at it again, failing to make a crucial call against Pagenaud, instead merely issuing a “warning” in a critical race determining situation. Continue reading

IndyCar’s F-ing F1 Invasion, Part 2

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Photo from dailymail.co.uk

In part two, IRR examines the current crop of f-ing F1 drivers invading IndyCar, their shocking inexperience and lackluster records as well as the disturbing dearth of overseas oval tracks.

The latest IndyCar invaders from F1 are different from those of the past. Billionaire Bernie‘s boys not only bring zero oval racing experience, but also little knowledge of the IndyCar series or the U.S., its history or its fans. Crucially, these recent raiders have enjoyed much less success and stardom than their forerunners, with no champions and few grand prix winners among them. For lack of a better term, they’re F1 feh.

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Photo from autosport.com

Troublingly, today IndyCar represents merely a fallback position for these F1 washouts. Twenty four year old American Alexander Rossi recently called IndyCar “foreign,” and Michael Andretti frankly referred to him as “clueless.” No argument here. Rossi didn’t win a grand prix or score a podium in his five starts last year and served primarily as a test driver in previous years. That’s exactly the sort of high end talent the IndyCar series needs, Michael – way to go. Ditto for CGR’s Englishman Max Chilton, who was winless and podium-less in thirty five F1 starts over two years. Gee, thanks a lot, Chip.

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Photo from indycar.com

This crossover is in one sense natural, as both open wheel series share much in common. However, it’s the differences that seem to matter most. Continue reading

Questions To Ponder Prior To IndyCar’s Start

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Photo from Indy Race Reviewer

IRR has several questions about the upcoming IndyCar season, including the most important race in history.

Can Chip Ganassi Racing get off to anything other than a snail like start this season? They’ve failed to do so the last two years running, still managing to rebound to win the 2015 championship. A decent beginning to the campaign would sure make it easier for Dixie going down the stretch, not that he needs any help.

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

Is this Tony Kanaan’s unofficial farewell tour? It may be, at least with Ganassi. The forty one year old Brazilian – one of IndyCar’s three stooges – doesn’t seem to have much left in the tank and is currently settling down in Indy in real family man style according to reports. Could a consulting role ala Dario Franchitti be in his future? We know some tat removal sessions will be.

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

Will the Penske team’s tetrarchy payoff this season? Continue reading

IndyCar News Week in Review: Media Day Matters? Edition

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Photo from Indy Race Reviewer

Little in the way of actual news emerged from media day 2016.

Sage Replacement: On Monday it was announced that former F1 driver and Indy Lights winner Max Chilton will drive Chip Ganassi’s number 8 car this season, as apparently the issue with Sage “Wildman” Karam wasn’t really funding at all. The 24 year old Englishman was introduced at media day on Tuesday, admitting after the announcement that he hadn’t even met his teammates yet. But he does know Dario Franchitti, who was instrumental in getting Maxie the ride. Looks like Chip’s people had some intros to make at IMS Tuesday, as Ganassi Tweeted he was home sick with the flu. Perhaps his illness was some Karam karma.

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Photo from usatoday.com

The CFH Racing Marriage Didn’t Last: In still more pre-media day news, Carpenter Fisher Hartman Racing dissolved after only one season, as both Sarah Fisher and Wink Hartman are out at Ed Carpenter Racing. IRR questioned the all American ownership trio’s fortitude over a year ago when they announced the joint venture, as it always seemed forced. Apparently Sarah’s leaving IndyCar to run an indoor go cart track while Hartman’s fortune has been decimated due to Saudi overproduction, resulting in $30 a barrel oil. Rising star Josef “Just Gimme Some Stability” Newgarden will contest all sixteen races for the new/old Ed Carpenter Racing and his car, like Ed’s, will feature the gorgeous green Fuzzy’s Vodka livery. That’s a definite upgrade over the old crude oil black look, though both Sarah and Wink will be missed. On the upside, what’s not to love about more booze sponsored IndyCars?!

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Ed Carpenter(‘s Not) Racing: According to rumors that again sprang up prior to media day, Continue reading

IndyCar News Week in Review

  • Silly Season Dominoes Tumble: Canuck James Hinchcliffe announced Tuesday that he’s signed with Schmidt Peterson Motorsport, filling Pag’s vacant seat as he’s now at Team Penske. The Canadian comedian did so in characteristic style, making the announcement at a local brewery in Indianapolis. This after officiating the marriage ceremony of fellow driver Charlie Kimball last week. Beer, change of scenery and honeymooning – what a charmed life IndyCar drivers lead.

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  • The Game of Musical Seats continues: Ryan Briscoe’s now a free agent again with reports linking Sage Karam to Ganassi’s fourth car next year. It seems as though in IndyCar as in life the rich continue to get richer, the poor poorer. Rumors have linked young limey Jack Hawksworth to A.J. Foyt Racing’s famed 14 car. IRR predicted both Briscoe and Sato were in trouble months ago, as both underperformed rather spectacularly in 2014. With Hawksworth a free agent, Bryan Herta Autosport joins the list of teams looking for a fresh pilot, as does Andretti Autosport. Got all that?

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Mr. & Mrs. Briscoe – photo from indystar.com

  • A.J. Foyt Racing Expanding to Speedway: According to reports, A.J. Foyt Racing purchased a large building on Main Street in Speedway, Indiana. They plan to renovate, rent out part and use part of it as a satellite base in Indy during the season while maintaining their main base outside of Houston, Texas. A.J. is quoted on his team’s website: “We’re happy to be part of Speedway’s redevelopment.” It’s a positive sign for the team and a plus for Speedway. Plus it’ll be a little bit of A.J. in Indy, where he belongs.

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Photo from usatoday.com

  • Finale at Sonoma? Regrettably, it looks as though one of the dullest and dreariest tracks in the country will host the grand finale in 2015. Curt Cavin’s sidekick and minor television/radio personality Kevin Lee tweeted about “more speculation about #IndyCar schedule” and then Cavin posted his own. It’s now down to a matter of dates, as it’s no secret as to the tracks which will be visited. Happily, all of the ovals from this season return in 2015 and the only subtraction is Houston, which was a dangerous joke of a parking lot track that nearly killed Dario and others last year.

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Photo from dailymail.co.uk

  • Another possible change is Toronto losing its twin billing, with the date changing due to a conflict with the Goodwill Games or some such obsolete international nonsense. Seen any pro sports lately? We blame Ted Turner for this amongst many other things. Both Brasilia, the planned capital in central Brazil, and New Orleans NOLA Motorsports Park, south of the Big Sleazy will host new races on road courses next season. Yippie. Otherwise, no major changes are forthcoming apart from some date changes which make sense, such as Pocono moving off the weekend of July 4th.

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Photo from economist.com

  • Odds and Ends: IMS upgraded their website, a long overdue move. IndyCar reporter for AutoRacing1.com Brian Carroccio showed IRR a kindness and followed us on Twitter, so a superspeedway sized thanks to him. Be sure to check out his work on the web. Finally, couldn’t resist this take on celubu-tard Gwynnie (a fave of ours to look at) and the recent fundraiser held in her California home for the once popular commander in chief. Wake me to your leader.

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Photo from dailymail.co.uk