Portland Predictions and Prognostications: Positively Polluted

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Get your gas masks and eye wash ready for this weekend’s IndyCar incursion into Portland, as a mass of particulate matter may make even murkier an already muddled mix.

Our special prognostication this week involves fanning the flames by pointing out just how pure and unspoiled our predictions have been. Since achieving absolute accuracy in Detroit, we’ve picked the winning team the last two races, if not driver. We correctly called both Barber and Phoenix earlier this season. That’s not including all the picks we’ve gotten partially right either, or nailing last year’s championship – which no one else on the planet did. From now on, we predict you’ll pay closer attention to our remarkably unspoiled prognostications.

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Photo from from dailytelegraph.com.au

Pole sitter for Sunday’s race’ll be Will “He ever grow up?” Power, much to our – and every other sane race fan’s – chagrin. Barring historic flooding or, more likely nowadays, wildfires destroying the entire area, he’ll be P1 for the fourth time this season. Since in reality neither natural disaster is likely to occur, it’ll be Sour Grapes again leading the field to another sub-standard start. When’s the last time the series piss tested that guy, anyway?

First out of IndyCar’s return to hazy, somewhat hazardous Portland will be Continue reading

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Mid-Ohio Predictions and Prognostications: Pretty Vacant

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Scheduled during “Holidays in the Sun” season when no one’s looking, it’s appropriate that Mid-Ohio again will be broadcast on a cable channel no one’s watching. In a phrase, the race is “Pretty Vacant.”

Since this post is cutting into our own precious vacation time, we’ll get right to our special punk rock prediction for this sorry excuse of a race. There will be nothing memorable, much less special, about Sunday’s parade ’round a sports car course in the middle of nowhere. There never is about Mid-Ohio – it’s a nihilist’s dream date. We’ve been watching it closely – requiring no small amount of both endurance and patience, we can tell you – for decades now. It makes us wonder at times like these, where’s a Sid Vicious to wreak havoc when you need him?

Pole winner will probably be Will “Problems” Power, although any Team Penske member could well do it. Truth is, pole matters little this weekend, as usual. Power started P1 last year and finished second behind Josef Newgarden. Pags did win from pole in ’16, but he’s the only driver to do so in the last six years. One has to go back to 2011 when Scott Dixon won from pole – another of his record five victories at Mid-Ohio. He also triumphed after starting dead last in 2014, beating the field into utter “Submission.”

First out of this event inspiring absolutely “No Feelings” would likely be no one, were awful Austrian Rene “wrecking ball” Binder not back in a car. The rookie ride buyer’s season has been, well, regrettable. As for the race, there weren’t any DNFs last year and 2015 saw only one in Takuma Sato, though both 2016 and 2014 saw three apiece, thanks largely to first lap pileups. Tony “time to call it quits” Kanaan was the lone car off course in 2013 while Ryan Hunter-Reay with the hyphen-here-to-stay was the only DNF in 2012. His was mechanical – and wasn’t pretty.

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Photo from foxnews.com

The biggest surprise of the whole sham affair will be if Continue reading

Texas Predictions and Prognostications: Deep In The Heart

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Fans come from far and wide to see IndyCars, side by side, doing 220 mph under the lights at TMS. The term thrilling doesn’t begin to capture the feeling, particularly when you’re there in person. If you’re a true race fan, then deep in your heart you adore Texas Motor Speedway.

Our special prediction for the DXC Technology 600 is reams of real, riveting racing. It’s what IndyCar at Texas is known for – a refreshing change from the road course heavy early season schedule. What a difference a weekend makes! Speeds will be 50 mph greater than on Detroit’s Belle Isle and nearly constant, not merely a few seconds per lap. The edge of your seat action – with passes galore – will be in a class of its own. That’s the open wheel oval racing class, where TMS is highly regarded, and the one nearest to our hearts.

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Photo from autosport.com

Pole sitter’ll be Will “sour grapes” Power, unfortunately. He started P1 three consecutive times from 2013-15 and as you may have heard has been on a roll lately. But here’s the good news – Continue reading

Wannabes and Wankers – IndyCar’s Sh!t List, Or: A Quarter Post Rundown

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A quarter of the way through the 2018 IndyCar season’s a terrific time to stop and assess who’s been exceeding expectations – by pointing out who hasn’t been. Besides, what else are you gonna do with yet another off putting three week gap in this joke of a schedule? Discover who’s about to get thrown under the Holmatro safety truck and – more importantly – who deserves to be.

Max “Paris” Chilton leads this ignominious group, part of the unimpressive new British outfit called Carlin Racing. Unable to make the cut with Ganassi during a couple of woeful seasons despite bringing money to the table, he’s doing no better this year. Chilton sits twentieth in points, last among drivers who’ve taken all four green flags.

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Occupying nineteenth in the championship is Charlie “pinball” Kimball, who clearly isn’t “Tresiba rea-dy!” after all. Also with Carlin – whose team oddly enjoys a sterling reputation across the pond – Charlie was supposed to provide veteran IndyCar leadership the group so badly needs. He hasn’t, and blaming competitors for one’s problems isn’t a sign of growth.   Continue reading

Phoenix Predictions and Prognostications: Critical Edition

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Photo from autoweek.com

Following a decade long absence and two run of the mill races since its return, IndyCar’s upcoming foray to Phoenix could make or break the series there.

Fully swathed in the spirit of dazzling open wheel oval track racing – and knowing the series’ crucial need of more of it – here’s our interpretive soothsaying for the season’s first egg shaped track.

Critical – from the Latin criticus, referring to a disease related crisis.

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Photo from jewishjournal.com

Our special prediction is when the Saturday night race finally does arrive, no matter how it goes, the racing will be criticized. If it isn’t the drivers apologizing all over themselves again, it’ll be the so-called writers. If not them, then the segment of fans who somehow find fault in Continue reading

Handicapping The Rookies: Greenhorns Galore, Part 2

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Photo from indycar.com

Previewing the 2018 IndyCar season from the perspective of those nine drivers with a combined experience of the average couch sitting race fan. Tellingly, the mean age of our final five rookies is a ripe 24.8 years old.

This slate of newbies enjoys slightly more experience than those covered in part 1 and also have the distinct advantage of landing with established teams – in a couple cases, even decent ones. Just not in our first instance . . .

AJ Foyt Racing‘s Matheus Leist – only 19 – hails from Brazil like his curmudgeonly, over the hill teammate. His initial IndyCar foray at the Phoenix test wasn’t fortuitous. Leist brushed the wall at least three separate times, and possibly more. On a less expensive note, Matt did manage three wins last year in Indy Lights, including the Freedom 100 at IMS. That’s no doubt a major reason he’s driving for A.J. Matt also scored an impressive nine top fives and two poles in his sole Lights season. Why the 43 year old TK landed A.J.’s other seat is totally inexplicable.

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Photo from indycar.com

Zach Veach will have the benefit of top notch equipment driving for Andretti Autosport, if not the most sensible boss. The baby faced 23 year old Ohioan already had two big league starts in 2017, with a best finish of 19th at Barber for ECR (as a stand in for the injured and now unemployed J.R. Hildebrand). Also, he finished 26th in the 101st Indy 500 for AJ Foyt Racing. Zach’s the author of a book for teens and apparently a good friend of Oprah, so watch out.

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Photo from indycar.com

Yet another Canuck – just what the series needs – Robert Wickens Continue reading

IndyCar Sonoma Season Finale Preview: Bouquet Edition

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Not prone to flowery descriptions, a sometimes acidic tongued IRR stopped in Sonoma wine country to smell the season finale roses – or rosé, as it were. Instead we found a big, fat turd bouquet. Northern California wines may be fine, but unfortunately for fans of fast the racing there’s regularly near the bottom of IndyCar’s barrel.

“In vino, veritas” as the Romans said, but even from a clear-eyed, sober view of things the racing at Sonoma honestly stinks. Like other regrettable road courses on the schedule – Watkins Glen, Barber, Mid-Ohio – the twisted track’s an affront to the olfactory senses. Bouquet, indeed!

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

Sonoma’s simply not suited to IndyCars and fails to provide anything approaching intoxicating action. In fact, the lack of passing, speeds and thrills is all rather dry and pedestrian. The series’ choice of venue for the season finale tends to leave an unpleasant, vinegary aftertaste.

Like the local produce, reigning series champion Simon Pagenaud comes across as fruity, often with a hint of bitterness. This was especially the case following his spicy encounter with Penske teammate Josef Newgarden at Gateway. Let it suffice to say Pags was less than vintage during the podium celebration.

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Photo from indycar.com

But the earthy Frenchman suddenly vaulted back into the title hunt after Newkid’s disastrous stumble at Watkins Glen, Continue reading

IndyCar Bommarito 500 Preview: Escape From East St. Louis

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Little known fact about John Carpenter’s classic 1981 “Escape From New York” – it was filmed in East St. Louis. Turns out the burned out husk of a city had the perfect post-apocalyptic look for the director’s dark, dystopian vision of a future big apple/prison. That, and of course it was cheaper than filming in NYC. Now IndyCar’s set to return to a place that made even Snake Pliskin demur.

It’s been a decade and a half since the series graced the greater East St. Louis area, and with good reason. IRR staff attended the last race held there in 2003 and it was so off puttingly boring that by three quarters through we felt an overwhelming urge to escape. Indeed, it was so bad that we vowed never to return – unless substantial track improvements were made.

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Photo from gatewaymsp.com

During the race long lull, the bizarre all male musical number from “Escape” sprang to mind for some reason. This could be explained by the fact that the thrilling Tomas Scheckter was on track that day. He finished fourth.

Surrounded by land fill mountains of garbage, Gateway Speedway’s environment isn’t exactly Barber-esque in its beauty. Then again, scenery doesn’t make the racing, tracks do – which leads us to Gateway’s biggest problem. [Insert repetitive thumping synthesizer bass line here.]

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Photo from trackforum.com

The mile and a quarter track’s situated Continue reading

Barber Race Review: PSI Edition

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Young gun Josef Newgarden turned what could have been another hum drum, Penske win from pole into a fairly memorable, exciting race – for a motorbike track.

It was Will “Sour Grapes” Power’s race to lose and he did, handing the newest teammate his first win for the Cap’n and failing to crack the top twelve for the fifth consecutive race. A cut Firestone was the culprit, or rather the hero of the day. Power slowed inexorably, giving PSI an entirely new meaning.

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Photo from indycar.com

Ryan Hunter-Reay (with the hyphen here to stay) and Long Beach winner James Hinchcliffe tangled at the start, leading to a third lap caution as RHR’s damaged front wing littered the track. Dale Coyne’s rookie phenom Ed Jones suffered damage due to the debris ruining his day, as well.

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Photo from indycar.com

During the initial melee the aged Tony Kanaan gambled and lost, though his Ganassi teammate Scott Dixon advanced to third and remained firmly in contention all day. Continue reading

Mid-Ohio Predictions and Prognostications: ‘In Dreams’ Edition

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Photo from pinterest.com

Regrettably it’s not just a bad dream, as IndyCar is actually visiting Mid-Ohio again this weekend. This despite our admonishments and advice to the contrary.

If you read our preview, then you already know our take on the so-called racing at Mid-Ohio. If you didn’t, then think less than glowing. So less than glowing, in fact, it’s about as watchable as the Brickyard 400, or even this week’s convention. It’s just that sleep inducing. Feel free to stay up late Saturday night, ’cause Sunday afternoon will be a perfect opportunity for napping.

Dennis Hopper’s classic character Frank in “Blue Velvet” fairly summed up our thoughts on both the track and the key to salvaging your Sunday. “F@%* THAT S&!T! Pabst Blue Ribbon, man!”

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Photo from foxnews.com

This week’s special prediction concerns everyone’s favorite Hoosier hot foot, Conor Daly. It’s his first time in the big car at Middling Ohio and Conor doesn’t deal well with new. Continue reading