A recent high profile IndyCar related arrest put IRR in an increasingly incarcerating mood for Sunday’s season opener. As Davey Hamilton, Jr. might say, “stop resisting!”
The Firestone Grand Prix takes place just south of Pasco County, Florida, equally famous for both its recurring spots on Live PD and its 3rd grade educated, meth addled criminal class. In honor of this and the adorable K-9 officer Shep – along with his equally adorable handler (at least according to this author’s girlfriend) – we’ll get to our picks quicker than Dan Abrams can come up with a poorly worded police related pun.
Our special prediction for 2019’s inaugural event is that it’ll be about as engaging as a Nye County welfare check thirty minutes out. Afterward you’ll wish the entire series hierarchy were thrown behind bars or, better yet, put under the jail for so persistently insisting upon such shoddy street circuits. Particularly when there’s a perfectly serviceable yet thoroughly unused oval track down in Homestead. Swedish imports NOT in a vodka bottle or bikini? Check. Starting the year off with yet another buzz killing street course?? Check. Allowing Marco, Max “Paris” Chilton and TK all to take the green??? Check. It’s profoundly criminal, and more than enough to make us wanna fire up Florida’s famed ol’ sparky.
Prognostication for pole sitter invokes our personal favorite Live PD peace officer, Richland County’s Lieutenant “Downtown” Danny Brown. Why, you ask? Because in IndyCar nowadays, pole’s as easy to sniff out as a blazin’ blunt from the car full of extremely confident fellows directly upwind from you. Speaking of a certain stench, it’ll be Mad Will Power starting P1 yet again, as the institution-worthy 500 winner takes nearly half of all road/street circuit poles. Real exciting viewing, huh? He’s about as agreeable to watch as a typical El Paso drunk driver on a Friday night. Or Officer Andrea Zendejas sweet talking another coked up perp – you pick.
First out of the race has gotta be one of the Swedish rookies, who’ll no doubt find it extremely difficult shifting out of neutral. So we’ll go with SPM’s Marcus Ericsson, mainly because his name’s easiest to spell but also due to his driving for Scott Peterson Motorsport. BUS-TED!
The biggest surprise of the race’ll be if still more indictments aren’t forthcoming for false imprisonment after this deusie, especially when fans realize there are about a dozen more of these type “tracks” on the so-called schedule. That’s to go along with merely five oval races – all year. This dopey disparity truly makes us wanna go all Garo Brown on IndyCar brass’ asses. Talk about guns!
Sunday’s winner’ll prove to be as smooth as Tom Morris, Jr.’s bald head and as artistic as the heavily tatted Sean “Sticks” Larkin. Though tempted to go with French bad boy Sebastien Bourdais – who’s won the last two at St. Pete – we’re going with a misbehavin’ American instead. Andretti’s Alexander Rossi nearly won last year but for a late fit of road rage and seems as raring to go as a late night motorist who’s consumed the proverbial “two beers.” Judging by Dan Abrams’s favorite phrase, “what happened earlier,” the 500 winner fits the profile and will be the driver with the most points come Sunday evening. Book ’em.