Portland Predictions and Prognostications: Positively Polluted


Get your gas masks and eye wash ready for this weekend’s IndyCar incursion into Portland, as a mass of particulate matter may make even murkier an already muddled mix.

Our special prognostication this week involves fanning the flames by pointing out just how pure and unspoiled our predictions have been. Since achieving absolute accuracy in Detroit, we’ve picked the winning team the last two races, if not driver. We correctly called both Barber and Phoenix earlier this season. That’s not including all the picks we’ve gotten partially right either, or nailing last year’s championship – which no one else on the planet did. From now on, we predict you’ll pay closer attention to our remarkably unspoiled prognostications.


Photo from from dailytelegraph.com.au

Pole sitter for Sunday’s race’ll be Will “He ever grow up?” Power, much to our – and every other sane race fan’s – chagrin. Barring historic flooding or, more likely nowadays, wildfires destroying the entire area, he’ll be P1 for the fourth time this season. Since in reality neither natural disaster is likely to occur, it’ll be Sour Grapes again leading the field to another sub-standard start. When’s the last time the series piss tested that guy, anyway?

First out of IndyCar’s return to hazy, somewhat hazardous Portland will be AA’s rookie Ohioan Zach Veach, affectionately known here as Son of Dracula. Nosferatu’s kid has not only been good with a string of impressive finishes lately, but also lucky – which is why he’s our prediction. Zach’s terrific fortune is sure to run out sometime, and we foresee his first trip to the shadow of the Hanford Nuclear Site as being well, let’s just say toxic.


Photo from indycar.com

The biggest surprise of Sunday’s event’ll be the showing of fill-in Carlos “OK” Munoz, who’ll be occupying the injured Robert Wickens’ seat at SPM. The Colombian was formerly a full-timer for Andretti before becoming a victim of AJ’s Alamo of a team. He’s a race winner at Detroit – and therefore used to Superfund surroundings – and makes a solid choice to finish the season.

Our pristine pick for race winner is “IndyCar’s Tom Hanks,” Scott Dixon – past 500 winner, champion and current championship points leader. His talents are simply undiluted on flat road/street courses and he has plenty on the line Sunday in leading the million dollar title fight. Most of all though, Dixie’s highly motivated after last week’s slanderous slight from Power post race. Talk about a tainted result!


Check back soon for our Portland Race Review – and be safe out there.






1 thought on “Portland Predictions and Prognostications: Positively Polluted

  1. Pingback: Portland Race Review: Cluster Edition | Indy Race Reviewer: Fast and Funniness

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