Phoenix IndyCar Predictions And Prognostications: Red Hot ‘Readymade’ Edition


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Seems to us that for one IndyCar driver, Phoenix is “Readymade, readymade. Steady as the river rolls. Readymade, readymade. And this is how the story goes.”

On an entertainment note, PIR’s hosting the ’90s “rock” band ‘Better Than Ezra’ for Phoenix’s fans of fast. Really? Since they’re reaching back into the last millennium for music for IndyCar’s return to Arizona, the ‘Red Hot Chili Peppers’ – playing at Lollapalooza this year – are a much more appropriate band for the occasion on many levels. Just click the above video as you read along and you’ll hear why.

Our special prediction for the race in the desert – IndyCar’s first since 2005 – is a lot of dry, dusty heat. Not only weather wise, but also like the wine those f-ing F1 invaders at the rear of the field enjoy so much. It’s at the back where Max “Paris” Chilton and the others will remain at Phoenix – or, if you prefer, with the backwash at the bottom of the bottle.


“I got a cousin making beats deep down in Arizona. We’re gonna rocket to Ramone’s in the city of Pomona.”

Another prediction concerns NBCSN, whose website disappointingly relegates IndyCar to a tab labeled merely “Motors,” sandwiched between college sports and the Olympics. Making matters worse, Billionaire Bernie‘s boys even get top billing. Reflecting this diss, the marginal network’s coverage by “Daffy” Leigh Diffey, et al will include no fewer than a dozen maddening screams of “Whoaa!” on its aero kit debris-filled air this weekend.


“Readymade, readymade. And now it’s time to educate.”

Wanka virus sufferer Will “wall banger” Power’s pain in the gulliver will return once again this weekend. It won’t be in his convoluted head however, but rather in his owner’s as Mad Will‘s serious slump continues. We’re confident in this prognostication, as Power’s won exactly one race in the last eighteen, plus the fact that his record on ovals is well, rather Flea like.


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“Readymade, readymade. Tell her not to celebrate. Readymade, readymade. And now it’s time to deviate.”

AA‘s rookie Alex Rossi, who’s “lost” in his new “foreign” U.S. series, will be fittingly first out of the race. It’s his loss, literally. That is, unless A.J. Foyt‘s fellow f-ing F1 invader the inexplicably torrid Takuma “take ’em out” Sato beats him to it.


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“Readymade, readymade. Rock it for the circus slave. Readymade, readymade. Listen but don’t be afraid.”

The biggest surprise of the race will be the crotchety Tony Kanaan’s under-performance. A certified member of “IndyCar’s Three Stooges,” the pronounced proboscis Brazilian’s problems will continue in what will prove to be his final season, at least with Chip “two faced” Ganassi.


“And if I give to you my sacred sigh – come get it.”

In keeping with our usual theme of surprise predictions, the pole will likely be won by American young gun “Joltin’ Joe” Newgarden. The chili-like driver’s due for an unexpectedly hot run, and Ed Carpenter Racing‘s supposed to know what they’re doing on ovals. Just kindly ignore last year’s results – along with our previous St. Pete predictions while you’re at it. Barring ECR getting their act together, judging by his test Helio “the aged” Castro-Neves will steal another pole position for the pesky Penske pool party.


“Hey! Broomp broomp, boom hoo te te te to boo. Blip bip bip be be be bip bip bip bip bip be bip bip be be be.”

Although both Helio and TK have won at PIR, it was back during the dark ages. In fact, their wins came so long ago we’re talking prior to the Obama administration, or what some call the good ol’ days. But in IndyCar that’s ancient history – or really, really old for readers from Terre Haute.


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“Readymade, readymade. Getting out to celebrate.”

Our prediction for race winner is none other than the red hot Graham Rahal. He was red hot last year, at least. The Phoenix race is ready-made for Rahal, as his last – and only other oval triumph – also came in a carnage filled ovular affair in the spicy desert southwest. Of course the attached, broken fuel hose bringing out a caution notwithstanding. Speaking of hosing . . .


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“I wish I knew another way, but I’m gonna have to clone ya.”

Even though he let us down at St. Pete with “what’s wrong with” Juan‘s win, son of ‘stache almost certainly will prevail on Saturday. If he doesn’t bite the chili pepper, then he’ll not only have IRR to answer to, but also the doddering ol’ David Letterman. “Blip bip bip be be be bip bip bip bip bip be bip bip be be be,” indeed!


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