St. Pete IndyCar Predictions And Prognostications: For Pete’s Sake!

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IRR’s crystal ball has been polished and readied for another scintillating season of predictions and prognostications. Let’s hope they’re worthy of ol’ Saint Peter himself, or at least a third rate beachfront community.

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Unlike last year, the season opener actually will take place and won’t be rudely cancelled by the host. Oddly enough, St. Pete welcomes IndyCar with open arms – despite last year’s horrific fan injuries that made “Shaun of the Dead” look tame. Luckily after being showered with flying aero kit debris nobody was shown the pearly gates.

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Propitiously, there’ll be fewer casualties among the paying fans this year. Not because the aero kits are any better, but because all fans will provided with hard hats upon entry to the track. Perhaps they’ll even be emblazoned with the dome of St. Peter’s basilica in an effort to ward off those evil aero kit spirits.

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Juan “too stupid” Montoya won’t repeat at St. Pete, though he will be a bangin’ and a rubbin’ again like he was back in NASCAR. And in last year’s IndyCar race. Dryer truck drivers, be forewarned. It’s also a good bet he’ll be bumping his less than saintly Penske teammates again too, which suits us just fine.

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Graham Rahal’s penalty drawing ways from last year in Florida fortunately won’t continue. For some unearthly reason, IndyCar race control completely stopped penalizing Rahal at Fontana last June. Seems as though Son of ‘Stache is exceptionally blessed – and not simply for failing to inherit his father’s hairline.

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Expect Foyt’s reconfigured team to keep sucking, as it’s one of several teams that will make the street race look like a spring training game, which in reality it is. Only difference is, this one counts. Neither Jack Hawksworth nor Takuma Sato are likely to be beatified after their performances this weekend.

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Marco Andretti will embarrass himself yet again this race, but that’s hardly a prediction. Divining that he’ll take out either a team mate or a crew member is, though. It appears Marco’s going all Dracone style to start the season. We only hope no crewmen are prematurely sent off to Saint Peter.

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The f-fing F1 invaders will struggle in Florida for good reason, as both Alexander “Martini &” Rossi and Max “Paris” Chilton will suffer mightily through a long day on the streets of St. Pete. Coming from the un-saintly world of Bernie Ecclestone, it’s gonna be a hellish transition for ’em.

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Honda’s showing will surprise many, thanks in part to the many concessions IndyCar granted the Japanese manufacturer – particularly regarding those wacky aero kits of theirs. In case you’re wondering Saint Peter has no equivalent in Shintoism, although they are big on gates.

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Dollar Dale Coyne‘s second car is guaranteed to be first out of the race, especially so with Italian Luca Filippi behind the wheel. Five DNFs in only eighteen career starts? Come on Dale – pair Conor with somebody decent, like the persecuted American Sage Karam.

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Sour Grapes Power likely will steal the pole. He holds the St. Pete track record and often starts first on these horrid street courses. Fat lot of good it’ll do him though, as it’ll be another wasted effort by the world class Aussie ass. Thankfully, thieving wankers aren’t generally welcome inside the pearly gates, although we would like to see Mad Will canonized.

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It’s our bold prediction that Graham “Mr. Courtney Force” Rahal will continue his hot streak from 2015 and take the season opener. It certainly helps to have race control on your side, as well as the support of an angelic looking spouse.

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One thought on “St. Pete IndyCar Predictions And Prognostications: For Pete’s Sake!

  1. I got nothing good to say….street courses SUCK!!!! I know i will fall asleep 5 laps in, and wont wake up until an hour or so after this STUPID BULLSHIT IS OVER….

    LIFE BEGINS AT 220mph

    Like

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