Sixteen Predictions for the 2016 IndyCar Season

IRRfuture

Including the 100th Indy 500, Team Penske, Mad Will Power and more.

It’s been some time since our Predictions and Prognostications Department actually earned their lavish salaries and expense accounts, so it’s high time they did. After an up and down 2015 season they’ve dusted off the old crystal ball and are due for some duesies.

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The 100th running of the Indianapolis 500 mile extravaganza will occur, despite the exceptionally inept Mark Miles‘ shoddy efforts. Overcoming the series’ serious lack of leadership, an American nevertheless will emerge to win the historic race – albeit in an Italian car.

Mark Miles Flying Circus

Speaking of cars, expect still more flipping at Indianapolis this year thanks to those flipping aero kits, and also due to the near octogenarian Mario Andretti being back behind the wheel of the two seater. Cleared for takeoff. 

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Photo from blogswsj.com

IndyCar’s third attempt at a third world race – this time in lovely, tranquil Mexico City – unfortunately will see an event scheduled for 2017. As to whether it occurs is an entirely different matter (see Brazil). Remember, if you do go to the race don’t drink the ethanol.

As the global economy tightens further, Honda’s commitment to the series will be tepid at best with no long term deal materializing. Unfortunately, IndyCar once again finds itself on the brink of being a spec series. On the bright side, at least the racing will be riveting while it lasts.

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The season will seem too brief and at the same time too strung out with long layoffs between races. That’s because it is and that’s the schedule Mark Miles wants. He’ll face increasing hostility to this slapdash approach to scheduling – and to maintaining his tenuous position as CEO. See, there is some good news out there.

The snakepit at Indy will resemble recent New Year’s celebrations in Germany, but instead of sober “Syrian” “refugees” doing all the groping it’ll be drunken local campers.

**EXCLUSIVE** Playboy model Karissa Shannon gets in the mood for Fourth of July on the beach in Malibu

Photo from postgroup.com

Lower car counts means more one-offs at Indy – a full dozen this year – and unfortunately more yellows and crashes, marring the centennial festivities and slowing down the race. Bring plenty of beers for those extended cautions.

The rendition of “Back Home Again in Indiana” will top last year’s “effort,” no matter who performs it or even if the PA system fails and electronic screeching rattles the Brickyard for two minutes.

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Team Penske’s 50th anniversary won’t go well, as their four aging drivers will fail to bring home a championship or a 500 victory, you know?

Chip Ganassi will finally admit that in fact Jabba the Hutt is a distant relative.

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In a tough year for most of the series’ legacy drivers, Marco‘s woeful performance will once again have many asking why he’s still driving an IndyCar. It’s simple – his dad owns the team.

Dale Coyne’s shoestring budget team will struggle yet again, unfortunately for Hoosier Conor Daly. On the upside though, with a full time ride Conor will get more action on Tinder.

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Photo from twitter.com

Finding further frustration on track, Mad Will Power‘s hideous and hilarious public meltdowns will continue to entertain hundreds. The series wouldn’t be nearly as amusing without the crazy Aussie wanker’s antics.

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Photo from indysportscrew.com

Helio Castro Neves will go winless again this season as his ride at Penske draws to a close. IndyCar racing’s a young man’s sport – young men who pay their taxes.

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Photo from usatoday.com

Josef Newgarden will continue his winning ways while his CFH Racing teammate and owner Ed Carpenter will continue to struggle in his limited oval only role. At least Ed won’t have Sage Karam to kick around anymore.

Coming off a big 2015 and off season matrimonial bliss, Graham Rahal won’t have to avoid Frenchman Tristan Vautier (thank you Dale Coyne) and as a result will triumph in the championship. Steakburgers and bikinis all around!

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Photo from examiner.com

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