IndyCar News Week in Review: Christmas Charity Edition

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Daly Does Dale: Hoosier Conor Daly landed a full time ride for the 2016 IndyCar season, albeit with one of the lesser teams Dale Coyne Racing. The rough equivalent of a football player signing with the hapless Colts, it’s a well deserved ride in the big league and we’re extremely happy for Conor. For “Dollar Dale,” Daly’s a dramatic upgrade over Dracone, Vautier, et al and it’s perhaps evidence that he’s been reading our site. Happily, Coyne’s crewmembers should be much safer performing their duties in the new year, as the attrition rate in DCR’s pits was Battle of the Somme ghastly. Seems he’s gotten somewhat charitable, that Coyne chap.

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Coyne Claims Clausen: In another stunningly early announcement from Coyne a.k.a. the king of procrastination, Bryan Clauson will drive for the team in the all important 100th running of the Indy 500. The four time king of USAC will attempt to make his third 500 start, guaranteeing at least a couple of Hoosiers will attempt to race in the state’s biggest event since the Battle of Tippecanoe Creek.

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Photo from foxsports.com

White Russian, Anyone?: Mikhail Aleshin will return to Schmidt Peterson Motorsports next year after an involuntary hiatus in 2015, apparently related to sanctions against Vlad Putin’s resurgent Russia or something. Hinch’s latest teammate replaces Englishman James Jakes, which is a shame on two counts. First, it means one less Brit in the series and second – and more importantly – it means the loss of Jakes’ smokin’ hot girlfriend Megan Williams from the paddock. Searching hard for an upside, the Russkie’s return should at least liven up the tedious Indy GP, possibly by hitting another politician with flying debris. Uncannily uncharitable, aren’t we?

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Photo from pinterest.com

Graham Gets Richer, The B@$tard: As Rod Stewart sang, “Some guys have all the luck.” Not only does the legacy Ohioan who happens to be employed by the family business get to spend his nights with the gorgeous Courtney Force-Rahal, but also a portion of next season chowing down on delicious Steakburgers. Steak ‘n Shake extended its sponsorship of Rahal’s team for several races, including the all important 100th Indy 500. Meanwhile, the rest of us get to continue on with our dreary little lives. Would you like waffle fries with that?

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Juan’s Dramatic Likeness: Two time Indianapolis 500 winner Juan “Buzz Kill” Montoya had his 40 year old visage added to the Borg Warner trophy again recently in ceremonial style. We’re certain that the ancient drama masks served as inspiration for the ancient driver’s ancient face, you know?

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Photo from sports.usatoday.com

Brazil’s Kart Capable, But Little Else: Unable or, more precisely, unwilling to hold an IndyCar race as promised, Brazil is at least proficient enough to host a charity karting event. Tony Kanaan and crazy Canuck James Hinchcliffe are scheduled to participate south of the equator this week as teammates, no less. But with a President about to be impeached, a canceled IndyCar race and a long history of corruption, it’s anyone’s guess as to where the money raised actually goes. TK’s tax shelter, probably.

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IRR Going Mainstream?!: IndyCar finally listened to us and fired its staff writer, the error-prone Polish Pencil Dave Lewandowski. Few tears were shed for the longtime hack with the cushiest of jobs. In another apparent cost cutting move, the series will reportedly replace his articles on the website with those of “freelance writers.” Perhaps the rudderless, road course heavy series will heed our advice yet again and feature IRR’s superlative writing on its site. It couldn’t be any worse than a lot of what’s out there and besides, Christmas miracles do happen. Judging by our t-shirt sales at Shop IRR,  we could certainly use a little Christmas charity ourselves. A very Happy Kwanzaa to all.

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3 thoughts on “IndyCar News Week in Review: Christmas Charity Edition

  1. Pingback: IndyCar News Week in Review: Outrageous Hiatus Edition | Indy Race Reviewer: Fast And Funniness

  2. Pingback: Some IndyCar Owners Need To Seriously Step It Up, Part 1 | Indy Race Reviewer: Fast And Funniness

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