Honda teams will not only benefit from certain aero kit rules changes for 2016, but also from mandatory sensitivity training and re-education. This is in order to avoid coming across as poor, ungracious winners to the few thousand fans worldwide who may bother to tune in and notice.
Chevy teams will not be allowed to refer to “Honda,” “aero kits,” “unfair,” “fu@%in’ Aussie” or “wanker b@$tard” during any media engagements, either on television, radio or the jihad-web. This is especially so for a certain fu@%in’ Aussie wanker b@$tard’s three Penske teammates.
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Mad Russian Mikhail Aleshin’s urine, hair and blood shall be tested every second week starting immediately. Vodka, Everclear and gin are clearly exempt.
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No teams, drivers or series employees shall challenge or disparage any competing series (e.g. N@$C@R) in any way. Nor shall such series be competed against, but rather treated with the utmost deference and respect.
The series bears no responsibility or liability whatsoever for injuries sustained by paying customers (e.g. fans) due to razor sharp aero kit pieces flying into the stands.
All teams shall be forced to carry a 2 x 3 inch Mizzou sticker on their car liveries at all races, excepting Toronto. Failure to comply with sporting the “mark of Mizzou” will result in being treated extremely uncivilly and rudely shouted at, with a media feeding frenzy to follow.
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Mark Miles will henceforth be allotted two – and only two – permanent hair stylists for the upcoming short, yet at the same time oddly lengthy IndyCar season. However, there will be a third stylist on call at all times.
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In the recent spirit of “free speech,” any and all criticism of competition head Jay Frye – including disagreeing or making him feel uncomfortable – shall be officially banned on all media outlets, including that silly oil pressure related one. Failure to comply is punishable by spending an entire day alone with Chip Ganassi, or a Dale Coyne “driver” designee of Chip’s choosing.
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James Hinchcliffe will not be permitted to bleed a bit during the 2016 campaign, not one Canuck drop. Nor shall he be stabbed in the ass, hit in the visor by any flying debris, be forced out of kindness to marry second rate IndyCar couples, or be released from a marginally successful team. There are no exceptions – not even for Colombian stooges who actually believe IndyCar racing started in 1996.
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Josef “Joltin’ Joe” Newgarden shall not be allowed to attend wedding receptions or similar public gatherings where either alcohol or ‘Colorado confections’ are served, kiddie tables notwithstanding.
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Michael Andretti‘s patented “sucky promoter” scowl is now officially patented and shall not be imitated by any other owner, non-winner of the Indy 500, sucky promoter, or other legacy team member, scary Santa Letterman notwithstanding.
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Will Power (and yes, that’s his real name) will be immediately straight-jacketed, gagged and forced to take his medications if he ever again disparages the series, or – more particularly – its exquisite oval track racing.
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Damien (and yes, that’s his real name) Power will be straight-jacketed, gagged and forced to take his medications in any event.
Anyone else in attendance who is even remotely related to Will Power will be straight-jacketed, gagged and forced to take his medications, forthwith.
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Sadly, due to costly taxpayer funded IMS renovations running over schedule – not to mention over budget – no shiny new and deeper men’s room troughs will be available for the 100th Indy 500. Doug Boles will still be cleaning them.
There shall be a 100 ounce alcohol consumption minimum for all spectators over the age of twenty one attending the 100th Indianapolis 500. For those of you from Speedway, this translates into a nine beer or four bottles of cheap wine drink minimum. Aw, who are we kidding? As everyone knows, in Speedway minimum ages start at fifteen.