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The Indianapolis Sun’s Carl Cavern is the star IndyCar reporter for the new-ish news site courageously challenging Circle City’s monotonous media monopoly. Ever the scamp, Carl’s Twitter profile reads “IndyCar, culture and everything else reporter and Curt Cavin’s existential nightmare.” Sounds fascinating, doesn’t he? We thought so, too.
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So in response to the tremendous demand from our readers to find out more about the mystery scribe that is Carl Cavern, we managed despite a great deal of difficulty to wangle an interview with the elusive writer and Tweeter extraordinaire. It was an intriguing experience, to say the least.
IRR: Tell our readers about yourself. They probably only know you through your colorful Tweets about racing, if at all.
Carl Cavern: I’m a Hoosier, born and bred. Love IndyCar, God, country, Indiana and my family – in that order. I’ve seen too many races to count, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Terre Haute. The wafting smell of putrefied shit and open wheel racing are my two earliest, most vivid memories of that disgustingly horrible little town.
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IRR: Why the long layoff? It’s been months since you wrote anything for The Sun.
Carl: Basically because I’m extremely lazy. Like so lazy, three months off is a requirement in any contract I sign, plus all the holidays and of course the solstice. Besides, it’s summer vacation and I suppose you guys do a decent enough job covering IndyCar.
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In fact I just got back from Bora Bora. Man do those island girls know how to [expletive deleted] [sex act deleted]. Oh, also the [sex acts and expletives deleted] are [expletive/sex act deleted] incredible. Besides, it’s been a typically slow news summer in the States anyway, right? Not a lot going on?
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IRR: What’s your relationship with Curt Cavin? You both work the Indy beat and your names are so similar. Oddly, you even work for similarly named organizations. Do people ever confuse the two of you?
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Carl: Oh, God no! Well, there is the occasional mail mix-up, but I’ve gotten really good at resealing envelopes so you can’t even tell they’ve been opened. And at destroying mail, too. Oh by the way Curt if you’re reading, it turns out according to your doctor those blisters are contagious. Unfortunately Mrs. Cavin needs to schedule an appointment ASAP.
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IRR: But what do you think of him? Curt Cavin, we mean – not his urolologist.
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Carl: Well honestly, he looks like an alien with those squinty, beady little eyes on the sides of his head, doesn’t he? I mean, come on. They do have corrective lenses now. And plastic surgery. I don’t know why he doesn’t do something. By the looks of him, he could well be one who’s here living among us – one of them.
IRR: Ahem. Besides his appearance?
Carl: Oh, other than his wacked out looks, you mean? He’s ok. Curt’s writing is extremely derivative and about as imaginative as a six year old orphan’s, but otherwise he’s all right. From a distance. But those hideous creature eyes . . .
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IRR: You use words like “inimitable,” “untamed” and “incredible” in your Tweets about IndyCar. No one else in the business takes this sort of intellectual alliterative approach. Why do you?
Carl: Why do you ask?
IRR: Because this is an interview. About you.
Carl: Oh, sorry. [expletive/sex act deleted] I must have been having a flashback there for a second. Weird – it was like being in that Michael Caine movie “The Ipcress File.” Only with less tweed.
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IRR: All right, then. What are your thoughts on the IndyCar season just past? It certainly had its ups and downs, didn’t it?
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Carl: It was ok, what I could catch of it. There’s not a lot of reception in the south Pacific, not that I cared. [numerous sex acts deleted] Honestly, I quit watching after the 500. Montoya won the championship again, right?
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IRR: Actually no, he lost it on a tie breaker to Dixie in the finale.
Carl: No [expletive/sex act deleted] [expletive deleted] ?! Huh. Thoughts, thoughts. Yeah, Mark Miles has to go. And so do those friggin’ aero kits. Oh, and they need more ovals on the schedule, for sure.
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IRR: Any thoughts on next season? It should be an exciting one.
Carl: Definitely. I’ve still got that girl in Bora Bora’s number and boy do I plan on using it! [expletive/sex act deleted] -A, man!
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IRR: Uh, I meant on next IndyCar season?
Carl: Oh, sorry ’bout that. Yeah – uh, it may happen.
IRR. Thank you so much for your time, Carl.
Carl: What outfit are you boys with again?