Photo from deadspin.com
Notice: Due to poor recent performance, IRR’s NASCAR soothsayers have been permanently reassigned to much harder and less desirable positions. Please excuse the mess while our crystal ball is being polished. Nevertheless, we persevere. The “BUFF” cars visit Phoenix this week, site of Superbowls, sandstorms and one tough Sheriff, so here are this week’s prognostications –
Photo from sports.yahoo.com
Kurt Busch won’t win, therefore all RV walls and any WAG who unfortunately happens to be around him should beware. Of course he won’t be prosecuted either, as KB enjoys special privileges and immunities his lowly fans do not.
Image from Indy Race Reviewer
After offering shocking support of terror group ISIS last week in a possible high profile case of Stockholm syndrome, Tony Stewart will dedicate his (poor) finish in today’s race to the Islamic State, repeatedly shouting in the post race presser “Allahu akbar!”
Photo from nydailynews.com
Crash-fest NASCAR will be on full display today at PIR, with lots of wrecks, anger and pushing and shoving. This is due to the effects of the hot sun, close confines of the mile oval and because of last week’s snoozer of a race at Vegas. After all, Brian France can’t have ratings dropping just as IndyCar season gets geared up. Felonious behavior excused!
Photo from si.com
Danica will make unlucky start number 213 in her major league career and once the fisticuffs have abated today she’ll still have merely one win to show for it. Hell, it doesn’t take an oracle to know she’ll retire with only that one IndyCar win in Japan.
Photo from foxsports.com
Darrell Waltrip will “Boogity” on down in the desert, embarrassing himself once again with similar beauties to his recent “the blimp’s up in the sky!” and epic fail when talking to Kenseth over the radio at Atlanta. Crazy uncle DW may not be a great commentator, but he sure is funny – unintentionally so.
Photo from ftwusatoday.com
2015’s farewell tour will continue to be rotten, stinking and low down for Jeff Gordon. After being wrecked by Danica in practice last week and losing the pole and forty starting positions as a result, today’s race won’t be any better for ol’ JG. It’ll be yet another race in which he’ll encounter the wall and not finish on the lead lap. “Felony” won’t be the f-word on Gordon’s lips today.
Photo from foxnews.com
Predictably, Kevin Harvick will win his fifth race at Phoenix in the last six. We’re not going out on a limb with this prediction obviously, but NASCAR’s a highly predictable series, folks. Its popularity really ought to be a crime – just like these predictions.