N@$C@R Predictions & Prognostications: Lost Vegas Edition

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Our cracked crystal ball crew takes another stab at divining NASCAR’s near future in the “Lost Vegas” Edition. Why lost? NASCAR’s visiting Sin City, the most garish place on earth and location of one of our favorite books and films, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” If you’re familiar with the story then you know why it’s lost Vegas. If you’re not, then rush out for the Terry Gilliam directed classic starring Johnny Depp now.

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The irrepressible Hunter S. Thompson – a true inspiration as the original Gonzo journalist – “covers” a chaotic motorbike race in the desert while destroying hotel rooms and partying on and off the Strip. And all NASCAR has to offer is Darrell Waltrip bleating on about two ton, sub-200 mph glorified safety cages on Fox.

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IRR’s divining division looks a lot like the hotel room in “Fear and Loathing,” with their recent NASCAR predictions in somewhat of a shambles. So with the assistance of a beery, dusty, hazy Vegas stupor – and before hotel management shows up at the door – here goes our latest roll of the dice. Mind you when it comes to many of the following prognostications, we wouldn’t bet on it.

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Kurt Busch will still be watching the weekend’s festivities from his Walter White style meth cooking RV, only this weekend his undisclosed location will be much nearer the actual racing. Look out, ladies of Las Vegas. 

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Tony Stewart’s weight won’t be leaked to the press, it’ll be ferried by boat. A really big boat. Smoke’s looking more and more like a pear every race – a slow pear, at that.

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Danica’s regrettable record gets worse on Sunday with two hundred and twelve IndyCar and NASCAR starts and only a single win to show for it. But as “More Diva Than Driver”  herself said, “it’s not her fault.”

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Darrell Waltrip who last week wittily observed of the blimp “it’s up in the sky!” will embarrass himself and his colleagues at least three times during Sunday’s telecast. Fox then will consider easing DW out of the booth for the umpteenth time. We wholeheartedly support this and recommend unemployed car enthusiast Jay Leno as a replacement.

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Jeff Gordon gets one race closer to retirement and although starting on pole position this weekend he won’t be visiting victory lane anytime soon. As per usual, it’s not his fault either.

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Lots of yellows and debris cautions, as is the new NASCAR normal. Thank God this week it’s only a 400 mile race and therefore will only take most of the day. Extraordinarily there may well be some sort of animal on track caution period Sunday, possibly a squirrel or opossum or even a desert marmot. The again it could just be a strangely shaped wad of hot dog wrappers. The corruption in Nevada affects the clarity of our visions, as our final prediction vividly illustrates.

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Since we’ve predicted the winner once already this young season – well, technically we picked Jimmy Johnson to win Daytona and in actuality he won the next week in Atlanta – we’re going with another sure bet from the future. We predicted Ryan Newman would win last week and since he didn’t we feel he’ll take a surprise victory in Vegas. Newman, or possibly Jimmy Johnson. See the logic? Poor ol’ Tony Stewart and his team are due a change of luck as he’s been on a long losing streak. That could change Sunday in America’s most family-friendly former mob-run city.

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One thought on “N@$C@R Predictions & Prognostications: Lost Vegas Edition

  1. Pingback: NASCAR Visits Vegas: Vegetative Tedium | Indy Race Reviewer: Fast & Funniness

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